Are you frustrated that you can’t find a man who is ‘ready for a relationship?’
Or, that he’s not letting on if you’re exclusive… where this relationship is going or what…
Or, have you been hurt by your partner, and despite all the efforts to heal, trust isn’t there, and nothing seems to work – not even the agreements you’re coming to.
In today’s video, I help you discover what you’re likely asking for when you’re asking for commitment, as well as how to communicate your true needs… to create more solid foundations and ways to relate to each other with respect.
The first question I ask is…
What are you committed to?
Most women I talk to, it’s actually about ensuring their Security – certainty – predictability.
With these foundations, it’s easier to trust, open your heart and not feel like you’re a masochist of setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Yes, they are meaningful… and…
What are you communicating?
Often we’re offering solutions that don’t directly serve the needs you actually have, instead of finding a solution.
The solution women often are looking for is a status “ready for a committed relationship” or a title (boyfriend, fiance, husband, father…)
Solutions are limitless. And when you involve your partner – even if it’s a new date or a long-term relationship – the solutions you come up together are so much more powerful for your couple.
The way you create strong solutions is understanding the most important values. So if you’re committed stability and security, and he’s committed to being open to seeing what happens, while being mindful of you… this doesn’t mean incompatibility.
In fact, it can be a foundation for the way you relate to each other – and learn – how you work together. (Advanced stuff for a new relationship or existing one that hasn’t had to travel these waters).
Pick conversations that matter to you. Look to where you typically get triggered, and help create that “security” within that…
- Text/call: how often is good for you? What kind of messages do you like to receive? What about him?
- Personal space/introvert… In the long run, what’s sustainable for you? If you’re an introvert, empath, or someone who values her independence, let’s create some consistency here in the love relationship too… communicate it that it’s important for you to recharge. Ask where he’s at in that spectrum?
Basically what you’re doing is identifying – in advance – all the moments you get triggered and feel like it’s gone to s*** in advance. So you can work to find understanding… and move the relationship forward if he’s ‘dancing’ this with you.
What if he doesn’t follow it exactly?
Make it a conversation. Don’t view these are rules but as guidelines to help you learn how to support each other better.
If you hold him to it, without allowing him any creativity, that’s not fun at all. When we set up agreements with anyone – we want it to feel life-giving… Freedom is important.
What we’re talking about is respect to help you feel a certain way.
He requires respect too.
What’s going to inspire that respect more – to be a person that communicates her feelings and needs as a conversation, or one that creates ultimatums?
Remember, you’re always in the mode of inviting him into what you know an ideal relationship to be for you – and the woman you are in it… and making an ideal relationship is a co-creation. Not a power play…
The gauge you want to measure, is did he follow through and make an effort. Does he seem interested in and responsive to my feedback?
Am I actually open to hearing his experience in trying these guidelines and maybe working on my own relationship to these needs I want his help to feel?
Take some moments here to check-in and see where you at with
- What are you committed to?
- What are you communicating? & What do you value to communicate?
- Where do you tend to get the most triggered / where might the most valuable guidelines be determined to help you feel on the path to what you’re committed to?