People are human and sometimes they do things that are hurtful.
In the flurry of emotions – shock, disappointment, grief, sense of loss, anger… All of a sudden, there’s a weight of responsibility on your shoulders.
What do you do?
How do you respond without be a pushover? Without being too dramatic? To preserve what’s left of the relationship? Do you need to break things off?
All this leads to retreat and all-consuming obsession. Thoughts are everything.Work gets behind and now you have even more reason to be upset about being in this situation.
Here’s how I see navigating this kind of murky waters. Consider them as components to operate your inner ship – without one, the others don’t work as well. (aka. don’t compartmentalize this, see it as a whole).
1) Second Chances are Gifts
Giving someone another chance is an act of vision and generosity. You’re holding them to a a higher expression and possibility within themselves.
This requires putting your own ego to the side – to acknowledge your experience – and be a leader. The leader in you essentially communicates with grace, “I experienced ___, and I’d like to experience ___. I have some ideas of how that might work better in the future. But first, what do you envision as a better way for us?”
Imagine a time you’ve messed up and wanted the chance to repair – wouldn’t that have felt like the world to you?
2) You Don’t Have to Give Second, Third, or More Chances
Some times we set the stage for a more perfect relating, and they just don’t step forward to it. Not even an effort to try. This isn’t about better for some time and then falling back into bad habits.
Basically, they continue harmful or toxic behavior.
Really seeing their potential, you may be tempted offer a better choice once again in a different way. Because we hope the small shifts toward health and compassion can be made.
But sometimes they’re not able to exert the courage to face themselves and reform the parts that need change.It’s easier for them – or so they think, to let the record goes on repeat.
It’s a choice – not a duty of loyalty – to decide to give another chance. And one where you feel certain they they might inch or leap toward better health in your shared relationship.
3) Loving Discernment is your Inner Compass
If you don’t know if you want to give the gift of another chance, it’s the time to do whet I call LOVING DISCERNMENT.
You tap into your “Ideal Relationship Frequency” (essentially the whole of the experience of a relationships’ most aligned potential to your highest expression). You see if there is resonance with this person based on what you know and feel so far about them.
Then, you decide to invite them into better relating – with specifics and making it a collaborative conversation (not a dictation).
Or, you discern that maybe the best gift can becomes stepping away and offering a gift human-to-human about what more you’re looking for in a relationship of this kind. (Without blaming or comparing them).
You never know what the future holds but you can shape it to find a direct path by continually coming into alignment with what’s healthy for you.
4) Remember To Include Yourself
Relationships are our greatest mirrors to inner conflicts or discordance within ourselves.
Without taking on all the blame, look earnestly at the part of yourself that is similar in tone to your relationships’ injury on you (cutting, self-interested, bulldozing over feelings, etc).
Lovingly discern for yourself if this behavior, belief or value is serving you.
Invite yourself into better health in relation to yourself.And breakup with the part/s of yourself that cannot seem to evolve.
Don’t be surprised if you find the work on yourself make a new path in your relationship. <3
5) Love Is Always Present
Remember – love never needs to go away with a relationship.
Love is the fabric woven throughout the universe.
Meaning – it acts like life and will grow and evolve. Let yourself still love, even if you’re apart.
Because it will heal. It will keep you open for a better reality. And maybe even a healthier relationship with or without the one you left.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, this advice may be too generous and not fitting for your situation. Please reach out to a professional to help you discern your best options for your and their well-being. No one needs to be a martyr for the benefit of another.
Photo: Ravi Patel